Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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