You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
