I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Randomize
