So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
