Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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