It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize
