I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
I'm like, not good at living.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
