Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
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