Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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