i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Randomize
