how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Randomize
