The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
God, you're like boner-b-gone
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
