Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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