Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
My feet surprised me
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
