were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Randomize
