Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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