Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
