Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
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