So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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