This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
And she was only 16?
You say that like it's a bad thing.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
