Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Randomize
