its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
