This dress was meant to end up on your floor
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
and you said cock pushups were impossible
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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