I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Randomize