a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize