I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
