I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
