i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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