How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
