have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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