Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Randomize
