The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
My sheets look like a crime scene.
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
