So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
