So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
