I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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