my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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