Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Randomize
