Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
