god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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