if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
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