I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
