Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
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