just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
