I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
