My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
