I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Randomize
