Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
