idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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