the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
