yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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