very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Randomize
