You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
