Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
