i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
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