my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Randomize
